So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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