so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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