dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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