In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize