Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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