theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
