I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
