some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
