It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
