Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
MIDGETS
????
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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