If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
