do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
