he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
