Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize