Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
