dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
