i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
