Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
