In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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