I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
