I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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