Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
