Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
