you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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