I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
