my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
