I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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