Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
