Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
