I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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