I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
