my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
