All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
