The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
