I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
