im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
