He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
