My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
