just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
