I heard we made out
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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