spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
