My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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