i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
