I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize