chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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