my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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