At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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