and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
