Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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