I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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