I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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