You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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