Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
