found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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