You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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