i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize