I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
